If I could communicate only one message to the men in my life it would be: “Thank you for all you’ve taught me and I’m so sorry that I kept trying to change you instead of accepting you just as you are!” It’s taken almost half a century and dozens of relationships to finally “get” that there truly IS a difference in the way men and women think, communicate, feel and relate and that’s okay!! It’s actually great and is cause for celebration! I spent decades attempting to “change” the men in my life, not realizing that my desire to “change them” was actually a slap in their face, disrespectful of their being, not to mention a complete waste of my time and energy!

During June, the month dedicated to celebrating “Dads”, I encourage all of us to focus on those qualities we appreciate in the men in our lives: husband, father, brother, son, friend, co-worker, neighbor, etc. In my work as a Personal Life Coach, the main theme I hear from my male clients is that they don’t feel appreciated and thus feel like they’re a failure. I know, I know, we can all say that, but the thing is, for a man, the need to be appreciated is at the core of his existence. Being appreciated is a male’s primary need. It lets him know he can make a difference; he measures his worth through his ability to make a positive difference in the lives of others. Appreciation becomes the fuel that motivates every action. When a man can be appreciated physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then his power is maximized.

Remember, man is a hunter by nature; focused on results and successfully providing for his family. He is a “do-er” and has to learn to cultivate the practice of just “being”. One way man (the hunter) copes with stress is by “doing”; puttering around the house, hitting a bucket of balls, sometimes reading or watching TV. It’s akin to the hunter sitting on his rock, eyeing his prey, strategizing and waiting for the next kill… the process of thinking and “figuring out” actually relieves the “survival threat” stress. What on the outside may look like inability to sit still is actually man’s stress coping mechanism: attempting to “resolve” the problem by staying “alert”, agile and “ready” to “pounce” on their prey.

Author, John Gray (Mars and Venus: Together Forever) tells us that most men react to intense stress by shutting down their feelings and looking objectively at a situation. Even if a man’s female side is developed in many areas of his life, when he is under stress he will most likely react by pulling back and trying to figure out what has happened. This often looks like him “retreating into his cave”. His whole awareness contracts and becomes focused, like the hunter poised, all his attention focused on the goal of killing the animal and thus providing food for his family. He then tries to pull out of it by detaching himself from his emotional reactions. Becoming objective in this way, he can begin to recover and relieve the stress.

Because a man’s essential nature is masculine, to combat stress he needs to pull back and take some alone time – this is not a time for him to explore his emotional reactions, it’s his time to intensify his masculine strength. Bottom line: when your guy “goes into his cave” DON”T go in after him or you’re liable to get burned by the fiery dragon! He will come back out. When he does, he may have nothing to say having determined that everything is fine. Thus he’ll act as if everything IS fine. Trust him and relax, because in his mind it is.

A lot of male bashing goes on in our society as well as bad press about men “not being in touch with their emotions” or “inability to talk about their feelings”; making them wrong for being who they were taught to be (by their fathers and society) and who, to some degree, they are “wired” in their brains to be.

In his book, Raising Boys, Stephen Biddulph states that males tend to have a well-developed right side of the brain so besides having mathematical and mechanical abilities, males tend to be action-oriented: if they see a problem, they want to fix it. Sound familiar? The right side of the brain handles both feelings and actions, so men are more likely to take action while women tend to mull things over to the point of total paralysis! It requires extra effort for a man to shift into his left hemisphere and find the words to explain the feelings he is registering in his right hemisphere.

Women have more corpus callosum in their brains; the connective tissue that joins the right and left hemispheres of the brain. Discoveries have revealed that because women have more corpus callosum, they are able to access more quickly and more readily different parts of the brain. This makes women more flexible in their ability to shift goals in midstream (multi-task) and explains why men have a tendency to get “grumpy” and resistant when their present focus is interrupted.

“Why doesn’t my guy talk about it?” For a man, silently achieving a goal generates an instinctual feeling of security. While doing seemingly meaningless tasks, like waxing the car or driving a golf ball, a man can silently sort out his thoughts and concerns; he can clarify his values and priorities as well as develop a plan of action. He can forget the stresses of the day and begin to relax back into the joys of his relationship and the comforts of his home. This silent inner process gives him a sense of security.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your man for Father’s Day and all year round is the gift of appreciating, accepting and loving him in the present moment; honoring the “hunter” in him and all the qualities that make him so different than you, including his deep need for alone time without taking it personally or making him “wrong” for just being who he is… remember a hunter’s survival and security were ensured by moving quietly, and then successfully achieving his goal. Hunters spoke “Male”; a language of few words. Silence is a man’s birthright. “Male” is still spoken here.

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Deedre Diemer MA, your Guide and Fellow Traveler along The Authentic Journey, is an internationally acclaimed best selling author, speaker, mentor and advisor available for personal one on one coaching. Visit Deedre on her website: www.theauthenticjourney.com