I’m always amazed at how I receive some of my most poignant lessons from beloved, furry, four-legged creatures… okay and those two-legged ones, too! I’m a Personal Life Coach/Mentor by profession and regarded as an expert on relationships. Little did I know that the day Rufus pranced into my life that all my relationship “skills” would be put to the test.

Let me preface by stating that I’m already a loving human for two beautiful “foo foo” cats… indoor only types. Perfectly content with then as my feline companions; in bounds Rufus, a handsome, affectionate outgoing male Tom with a “Hey old friend!!” eagerness picking us to be his special humans.

The Indoor vs Outdoor Dilemma
My two “foo foo” cats are indoor only cats: always have been, always will be. I adopted a very clear stance that any other cat that may join the family would simply have to be indoor only… to protect my beloved “foo foos”. Then Rufus materialized to shake up my reality and force me to look at my “rigid” beliefs.

The bottom-line was: could “Rufus” the “outdoor” cat become “Rufus” the “indoor cat”. I’m protective of my “foo foos” and didn’t want to introduce the “indoor/outdoor” element into their furry lives with the coming and going of another feline: disease, fleas, ick….

I was leaning towards making “Rufus” an “indoor cat” because of his inability to defend himself with his claws… thinking that I was protecting him and doing this in “his best interest”. Then my wise counsel (a very wise male) suggested another point of view by asking a simple question: “If you were Rufus, what would you want?” My heart sank as I realized the truth that maybe Rufus was an “outdoor” cat at heart and that to force my will upon him to make him an “indoor cat” was selfish and could possibly destroy the “free Spirit” that makes him such a great cat! I was struck with the paradox of two “right” answers and really didn’t know what to do.

Rufus looked longingly at the front door. I gave the okay and Daniel, the 10 year old human opened the door. As he closed it behind Rufus I declared: “he’s an “outdoor cat” and cannot come inside anymore”… then tears welled in my eyes and I had to turn away. I realized, based on the depth of my emotions, that this was much deeper than simply allowing “Rufus, the cat” to go free. I allowed myself to cry as I climbed into bed and was dismayed when I was still crying come morning. “This is ridiculous!!” I muttered to myself.

I always search for the “deeper meaning” and “growth opportunities” in situations, so I was forced to take a long, honest look at myself: These are a few of the Insights I’ve gained from this “stray cat”.

1) It’s not Rufus, himself, it’s what he symbolized to me: the very human struggle that exists between freedom, free will and a need to feel “safe”.

The ever-present dilemma of indoor (safety, comfort, security) vs. outdoor (freedom, expansion, adventure). I started looking at it in terms of relationships: typically (not always, of course!) it’s the male (energy) who tends toward the “outdoor” philosophy of life: seeking freedom, detachment, no-strings, “just let me come and go as I please. I’ll come back when I’m ready” while the female (energy) is more of the “indoor” philosophy: wanting security, safety, protection, a home and loving and nurturing. Both worlds are very valid and important. Huge question: how is it possible for these two worlds to co-exist, allowing each others needs to be met without sacrificing the “spirit” of each dream?? Some would suggest it requires creating another world of “shared dreams”… yet what happens to the “dreams of the old world”? Are they just repressed and ignored and put on permanent hold?? Are you expecting an answer? Sorry, I don’t have one… that’s one of the paradoxes of life.

2) My best guess is that it most likely comes down to that “allowing” thing: you know, “allowing others to live the life they choose”.. even when we think we “know what’s better for them”. That, and “acceptance”… accepting each person in the moment, just as they are (not who you want them to be, or their potential, but who they are in that moment!)… and being able to love fully and completely without attachment… Yeah, I know… simple… but not easy for the vast majority of us!! That requires a lot of Trust… mostly Self-trust and a primordial trust that all is happening as it’s supposed to.

3) I’m open-minded and was initially chagrinned to uncover more areas where I was still very rigid in my beliefs. Letting go of “rigid” thinking and the need to see things as black or white is crucial in loving relationships. It was my rigid black or white, draw-the-line-in-the-sand thinking that created the pain inside of me. My need to control the outcome and not compromise set up internal conflict. Based on the information I had, I truly believed I was “right” and that there was only one “right way”…I didn’t allow for that “gray area” until this grey cat sauntered into my life! After all, I have yet to learn how to comfortably embrace that gray/uncertain area of life…

Are you an “indoor” or an “outdoor” cat? I imagine we’re all a mixture of both—depending on the situation. However, the likelihood is strong that in the areas where you’re “outdoor” your loved one may be “indoor” and vice versa. Rather than making your beloved “wrong” for being who they are, I encourage you to step back and from a place of compassionate detachment and the eyes of loving, “see” your partner for the loving being they are: doing their best with the information they have in the moment. When you find yourself in a “rigid place” needing to be “right”, ask yourself this question: “Would you rather be right… or happy??” Indoor/outdoor is very much like yin/yang: it’s all about finding the balance.

I’m definitely exploring balance, allowing and trust in my relationship with Rufus, the cat. I learn so much from him everyday as I allow him to be the cat that he is. I love watching him become the skillful hunter outdoors and then welcome him inside to be the affectionate, loving indoor cat. All this from Rufus, The Cat!! Thank you my furry master teacher!! I’ll continue to keep some kibble by the door for you…